Full and Fuller

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Hannah got her braces off on Thursday.  When I made the appointment, the receptionist asked sweetly if I could come in “next Thursday at 8:30,” and because I am an idiot, I said, “Yes.”  Sometimes my brain doesn’t work and I think I really can get somewhere with kids in tow, by 8:30 in the morning.  It didn’t really hit me until last night when I was on my way to bed and was setting the alarm to get up in the morning, that I had actually made an appointment for 8:30 in the morning.  What was I thinking?  I won’t be doing that again, until I do, because it’s bound to happen again, after I’ve forgotten what it was like this morning.

We were 10 minutes late, which I HATE being late for anything, (Unless it’s gymnastics and I’m trying not to lose my cool, and we know how that turned out.) and the receptionist called me on my cell phone just as I was pulling into the parking lot, to see if we were actually coming. Lovely.  She was very nice and it wasn’t a problem, but I felt like I should have a good excuse for being 10 minutes late. I wanted to say, “you know I actually have 7 kids” to her,  “it is physically impossible to get anywhere by 8:30 in the morning”, but I couldn’t use that excuse today,  I only had 3 with me and the other 4 were home in bed.  And besides, I really don’t like to use that excuse, out loud, to people, because I think I should be just as put together and wonderful as people who don’t have kids, but I’m not.   I try to pretend that I am, because whenever you have a large family, and something goes wrong it’s “because you have too many kids.”    You’re late, and it’s because you have too many kids,  you’re having financial troubles, and it’s because you have too many kids, you wear your sweats to the grocery store and your hair is a wreck, and it’s because you have too many kids.  And, in reality it may be because you have a lot of kids, but not because you have too many kids.  And you don’t want people to look at you that way, as one of “those families,” with too many kids, because you don’t feel like you have too many kids, just a lot of kids which equals a lot of love and busyness.  I wouldn’t trade all of it for anything, but I feel like I can’t have a problem or complain about things being hard, because you know, “I brought this on myself” by having too many kids.  When in reality, if I didn’t have any children or just a couple I still wouldn’t be perfect.  I would still have problems, I still would be late occasionally, I would still have a bad hair day, or forget something important, but those things wouldn’t be seen as a result of having too many kids. I wish people appreciated large families more, and were more understanding, because children are a blessing from God, and there is nothing more wonderful in the world than a child, instead of saying things like, “You definitely don’t need any more,” and, “You’re not having any more are you!”  Because, maybe I want more.  And, why is it anyone else’s business anyway.  That decision is between me, my husband, and God    After all, I am the one going crazy and wearing my sweats to the store (not really, but it could happen).

My life is much more full now, more full than it has ever been, more full of children, more full of work and  craziness, more full of problems, and running around like a chicken with my head cut off, but it is so much more full of love and goodness as well.  And, more children could lead to more craziness certainly, but it would also certainly, lead to an even fuller heart and a much fuller life.

Thanks for listening to my little rant.

P.S.  The word “fuller” is not used correctly in this post.  Do not try this at school.

 (This rant was in no way a result of how I was treated by the receptionist at the orthodontist’s office.)

The End

Late Night Musings

Mom’s Log:

Time: 5:45 am

Current temp:   32*F

Cloudy with a chance of Snow/Rain showers

Sunrise: 8:02 am       Sunset:  7:17 pm

Hours of daylight:  11h 15m 30s

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Family picture made by Katie and given to Shawn for his birthday

I laid in bed last night unable to sleep.  My mind was racing with all the things I needed to do in the next few days.  I thought about setting up the tables at the church for the young women’s activity we are having tonight.  I realized that I don’t have a key to the Relief Society closet anymore so how in the world am I going to get the tablecloths out to put on the tables.  I better call someone first thing in the morning and get a key.

I thought about making soup for the YW dinner.  I better make extra for us, because I don’t have time to make two dinners.  Do I have enough potatoes for 2 pots of soup?  If I don’t I can get some when I take the kids to the orthodontist’s in the afternoon.

I thought about school the next day and worried if we would get anything done with everything else I have going on.

I thought about  my visiting teaching and how I should see how Sister M’s trip to see her daughter and her new grand-baby went.

I thought about making the center pieces for the YW’s activity, and how I really appreciated Tabetha’s help with them.  I almost sent her to bed when I sent the other kids to bed, but I needed her help.  We had a nice conversation while we were dipping marshmallows in white chocolate, and she was a huge help.  I’m realizing how grown-up she is becoming.  She is turning into a great young lady.  I appreciate my new calling in Young Women’s.   It has allowed me to see her in a different social setting, and let me see a side of her I hadn’t seen before.  She is a strong independent girl, and she is fun to be around.

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Note I found on my nightstand.

Next, I thought about each of my kids in turn, about what great kids they are, and how they really do try hard to do what’s right.  I thought about their strengths, and about how quickly they are growing up. There are going to be grown and gone in no time.

I thought about my husband, and what a wonderful man he is.  I thought about how hard he works for us, and how he never complains.

Then, I thought about the day and about all the times I was impatient,  too strict, grouchy, or just selfish.  I thought about the times I could have given a word of encouragement and didn’t, and the times I could have given a hug, a pat on the back, or an “I love you.” Why is it so hard during the day, during the thick of everything, to be and do and say all the things that I go over in my mind at night?  I should have told Logan that I noticed how hard he was trying to be nice, I should have given Jarom a hug when he sat by me on the couch,  I should have been more patient with the girls, and does my husband know how much I appreciate him?

I offered a sincere prayer for help to be better tomorrow.

I think maybe one of the reasons God puts us in families is because he knows our loved ones are the only ones we love enough to truly change ourselves for.  With the rest of the world I kind of have the “What you see, is what you get attitude.”  If you don’t like me then don’t be my friend, but with my family, I want to get rid of my selfishness, and my pride.  I want to be more patient.  I want to be more generous, giving, kind and loving.  For them, I’m willing to do the hard work to be a better person, and not only so I am better here and now, but because I love my family I want to be with them forever.  I know I have a lot of changing and work to do to get there.  On my own, I know I wouldn’t do it, I couldn’t do it.  it’s too hard, and I’m too much of a wimp.  So, I  pray and ask God to help me, so I can be better for them.  They are worth it.

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